This post may contain affiliate links. Post title inspired by Alexandra Kuykendall’s book, Loving My Actual Life.
The past three years
This post feels like a massive personal accomplishment, and I’m not yet done with the first sentence. You see, the past three years have been challenging. Actually, challenging doesn’t cut it. Words like awful, exhausting, defeating, lonely, miserable, depressing, and deflating capture more of the truth. Moving is never easy, but uprooting three summers ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Leaving Austin in July of 2015 meant giving up everything. (Or, what felt like everything.) The city I had grown to love, all of my friends, my job, my church, the future I’d dreamed up there–everything. When I lived in Austin, I told a dozen people how I had plans to live there forever. How I’d already picked out the schools I wanted my kids to attend, already chosen where I wanted to buy a house, and already imagined my ideal career path in the city. My future was set and I was in love with it.
And then I met Riley. And we dated and got engaged, and suddenly I had a person in my life who mattered far more to me than my well-calculated plans. Over the course of our engagement, we had endless conversations about where we’d live once we got married (we dated long-distance). After settling on Austin, where I lived, Riley began to apply to jobs. And apply and apply and apply he did. And nothing. I often liken it to standing in a room with 50 doors, each one bolted shut.
I remember the first time we talked about living in North Texas instead, in the small town where Riley grew up and was working at the time. Though I was nervous and slightly unsettled about moving, I was willing to live with Riley anywhere so that we could be together. I’m still willing to live with him anywhere. And so, two weeks before our wedding, I packed everything up and moved out of my beloved apartment in Austin. I cried for the first hour of the four hour drive up north, and then almost every day for the next two years.
When reality hurts
After the unpacking and wedding dust settled, reality set in. It felt like I had finally woken up after months of living in a haze. This was my new life. In a teeny, tiny town. Living in the middle of nowhere. No friends. No family. No church. Nothing. When I say I was miserable, I mean I was miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable. My emotional pain was so deep it physically hurt. I didn’t even know pain like that existed until this experience.
Now, if you’d told me about this kind of pain before I’d actually walked through it, I would’ve called you dramatic. But those of you who know, know. Totally uprooting your life doesn’t come without a few scars. It is painful and so, so hard.
I felt lonely like I cannot say. I felt like I was letting my husband down because I was so unhappy. I was furious with God. I was sad and withdrawn. I cried every day, all the time. Miserable, I’m telling you.
Time and work
Time doesn’t heal anything without work. I had to confront my feelings and deal with them. (I continue to.) As the months went by, I didn’t magically start feeling differently. I put in the time to actually figure out the root cause of my misery, which was that I didn’t trust the Lord. Which is insane! Because He has been faithful to me like I can’t say. (Read through my other 600 or so blog posts to see how He’s moved mountains for me in the past.)
But that was the truth–it felt like somehow, God couldn’t redeem my life here. Well, I’d think, this is the one place on earth where God can’t work. And I thought my days of seeing miracles and God’s hand were over. Gainesville: the one place Jesus can’t meet me.
But gently, and slowly, God changed my mind. He reminded me how He’s been faithful before. He put the right people in my path, the right books in my hands, the right words in my ears. And slowly my heart started to turn. My loneliness started to feel more like a gift than a burden. Maybe there’s something for me here after all? It was almost a terrifying thought. Am I actually going to choose to be happy here? To be content? Here?
Yes, I actually am
Yes. I actually am going to choose to be happy and content here. Though I’d like to never relive these tough years, they have been full of blessings like I can’t say.
Riley and I became our own family here. We’re rock solid. We love each other wildly, and because we’ve had to wade through some really hard junk, we understand and love each other in a way that a peachy life doesn’t allow. I feel like these years have been an advanced marriage course in a lot of ways. And we’ve made it, and we’re better than before. Turns out, when you don’t have a single friend for hundreds of miles, you figure out how to communicate with your husband. Who knew?
I built a business here. I can’t believe where I am today–it’s where I’ve dreamed of being since I started my first “business,” a summer day camp, at age eight. All I’ve ever wanted is to work for myself. And I’m doing it! How great is my God.
Living here has taught me–no, forced me–to slow down. Life in a small southern town is the opposite of fast-paced. And I’ve learned to love and appreciate that. I don’t live my life at a breakneck speed. There’s time for long dinners and slow mornings and afternoon naps on the weekends. We take walks and bake homemade bread and watch silly YouTube videos just because. I genuinely love this aspect of small town life. It makes me feel healthy and alive.
We’ve found a church and a church family we love. After praying for months, God led us right to it, and we have grown immensely because of it. Our community is small but loves people something fierce.
With so much proverbial white space, I’ve learned who I am and what’s important to me. I’ve also learned who I’m not and what’s not important to me, which is even more significant.
Dreaming again
Though I am by far the more Type-A personality in our marriage, I’m also much more of a dreamer. Riley jokes that he’s like a puppy–contented and happy all the time, no matter what. He’s not lying. On the other hand, I’ve always dreamed big dreams. I’m an achiever. I want to write a book and get it published. I want to buy a bunch of land and build a house from the ground up. I dream about starting and running a summer camp or a Bed and Breakfast. I’d love to live abroad or travel for an extended period of time. Sometimes, it feels like half of my mind is dancing around in these dreams while I go about my day. (Sometimes, it feels like my entire mind is dancing around in these dreams while I go about my day.)
Sadly, I stopped dreaming about anything when I was walking through the thick of my misery over the past couple of years. Being taken to the absolute end of yourself doesn’t often lend itself well to dreaming. It lends itself to barely making it. Surviving.
But, as I’ve prayed for years now, I’m no longer just surviving. I’ve started to dream again like I used to. We talk about doing things here, building things here, further rooting our lives here. God has given me glimpses into our future that make my heart quicken. I don’t feel like every month ahead is full of dread and disappointment. I feel hopeful and excited about the future, like there are big things to look forward to.
The process
There have been few people who have walked with me through this entire journey. I get it, I really do. For months on end, I was struggling deeply. Every phone call was bad news and brokenness. I watched as friends pulled away after telling me to “Look on the bright side!” Changing friendships are hard enough, but they were excruciating in my loneliness.
It’s for that reason that I so greatly appreciate the friends and family who have stuck with me. Who have let me grieve the life I thought I’d have openly. Who have listened without spouting off advice. Who have trusted God to change my heart instead of lecturing me to change it myself.
We must let hard things teach us
It’s like I always say: we must let hard things teach us. And I’ve learned a lot–about the Lord, my marriage, myself, and other people. Moving from a great big city to a place where I can literally hear cows mooing from my front porch is a hard transition, to say the least.
Something I’ve contemplated a lot lately is that I want to be a woman who digs her heels in. Who stays when it’d be easier to leave. Who fights when it’d be easier to withdraw. Who pushes into hard circumstances instead of letting them push her over. No one is called “strong” or “brave” for fleeing every time things get hard. I can think of people in my life like that–who flee and retreat every time a situation becomes challenging. I want to be the opposite.
Falling in love with my actual life
It’s wild to me what God can do with a heart in His hands. The circumstances that made me so miserable aren’t wholly different; in fact, some circumstances remain exactly the same. Little by little, however, I’ve surrendered to Jesus, and little by little, He has restored my love, hope, and joy.
Lately, I’ve been surprised by my own feelings and perspective. I often wake up excited about my future here! I can’t wait to see what God will do with our lives and family in this place. Those of you who have followed along since the beginning know what a massive statement that is.
I really am falling in love with my actual life. The pity parties are over and done with. The feelings of insecurity and isolation gone. The anger and exasperation I once felt has been replaced with peace and excitement. I want you to know that God can redeem and restore any situation, any relationship, any circumstance. What He’s done for me He can do for you.
I write this post as a metaphorical turn of a life-page (something I think is very important). A new chapter is beginning–one of restoration and redemption. One of laughter and joy. One where we’ll no doubt encounter sadness, frustration, and pain, but where we’ll choose bravery, courage, and hope.
I am such a deeply, fundamentally different woman than I was when I walked down the aisle three Julys ago. The experience of the past few years has shaped me for the better–like a jagged rock being smoothed. I still have a long way to go, but my goodness am I proud of how far I’ve come. Look at me falling in love with my actual life! I’m moving into the after. Praise the Lord!
// In what ways are you falling in love with your actual life?
Related blog posts:
- My Loneliness Was a Gift
- Let Your Life’s Pages Turn
- I Am Living the Before
- Assume She’s Lonely
- Hope When You Can’t “Find Your Tribe”
- Discontentment Follows You
- I am Not a Victim of my Circumstances: Thoughts on Abundance
- When You Don’t Want to “Catch Up” Anymore
- When Friendships Change
- Here’s to Being Obedient When You Don’t Feel Like It
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It’s so wonderful to see this beautiful change in your spirit and well being. I’ve only found your blog about a year ago, but I follow it, and have watched ALL 40 of your weekly Youtube videos. You are inspiring and I know that your words bring peace to other women going through the same struggles. We often think we are isolated and alone, when in fact, we are never alone. All we have to do is look up to God and around us at the beauty in His world. I truly believe that you can find a bright spot in every dark place in life if you just look. Thank you Blair for sharing your story. I haven’t experienced your sort of sadness but everyone struggles in their own lives. You are inspiring!
Thank you, Kerry. You are absolutely right when you say that everyone struggles in their own lives. I appreciate you cheering me on as I’ve walked through one of mine!
I love your perspective, and I had similar shortcomings in my life as a Navy wife in the early years of our marriage. The exact opposite happened to me, however, when I became an Atheist after years of being raised from birth in Catholicism. It freed me in ways I never thought possible, allowed me to take control and accountable for EVERY SINGLE THING that happened and would happen to me. I faced each hurdle with the confidence that decisions were mine and I had the capacity to conquer them. The inner courage it gave me grew my inner strength iand opened my eyes to what I was missing in myself.
I don’t know how these thoughts or feelings will vibe with you as a person, it’s not meant to debate or belittle. It’s a different experience that has changed my life for the better. 🙂
You have every right to own your own story just as I own mine. Sending love.
I love this, Blair. I got married a year ago and we moved to a town far away from my family for my husband to go to law school – and I completely understand the loneliness, depression, disconnection, and fear. Things have transformed in the last year, and I feel much more at home here, but I think I still have a long way to go. I’ve loved following your journey over the last couple years (I found you when researching foot washing for our wedding, who we did too!) and I’m catching up on your weekly vlogs while at work during the day, dreaming of one day working for myself too. Thank you for writing and letting us be a part of your life in this way.
We all still have a long way to go, sister. Little by little growth is the key. Kudos to you for pressing in. Thanks for reading, Courtney!
This was such a great read. I feel so similar coming back to Baltimore. I left because I felt exactly like you’re saying you felt, like there was nothing for me. And then I felt called back, or like I had no other options than to go back, and it doesn’t make sense. It’s so easy to complain, to keep yourself miserable until something else comes along, as if staying miserable will somehow convince God to change something for you, or to come through with one of those big dreams I’ve been dreaming. But this is where I am and for some reason where I’ve been called back to, so I’m making every effort to “dig my heels in” and see where this season goes. Thanks so much for your honesty and perspective. I can’t wait to see what’s next for your little family!
Thank you for being so raw and open with your journey! Your faith in our God and how he can work in our lives if we let him has been an inspiration to me and I am sure many others. I found your blogs/vlogs like many others have , looking at your Disney trips and have totally fallen in love with your adorable family!!! I am so happy for you and hope God continues to bless you with the contentment you have found!
Blair, this is beautiful. I’m so happy for you. My actual life is very different than I had planned. I know how it feels to have dreams crushed and doors slammed shut. But I feel like I’ve found peace with where I’m at. God has blessed me with a beautiful life despite my own failed plans. It’s a process, some days I do feel down and wonder if I’m just going through the motions, wasting my life away. But I’m also reminded that God is not done with me yet. That he started a good work in me and that he’s going to see it to completion (Phil 1:6- my life verse!). As I was reading this I thought, wow, Blair should write a book! So glad that is on your dream list! Keep dreaming, girl! Much, much love to you!
This was a beautiful post, Blair, and it resonates deeply with me. Your words “Being taken to the absolute end of yourself doesn’t often lend itself well to dreaming. It lends itself to barely making it. Surviving.” made me tear up. I’m there in that place right now, at the absolute end of myself. It is tough and heartbreaking and painful and often feels impossible. And yet, we persevere. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Beautiful, Blair. It’s so great to see how your heart has grown and changed through your difficult transition, and you’re an even more amazing woman because of it. God will never fail you. I can only relate to your experience on a slightly smaller scale, but I get it, and it’s great you are now able to embrace the life you’ve got. Whether or not people have experienced a big move or tough transition, it’s important for EVERYONE to remember to love the life they actually have!
Thank you so much for sharing Blair. I think it is sometimes so impossible to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. I am or have been going through a rough few years as well. Six months after my twin boys were born, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Uterine cancer. It was devastating for all of us. A year and two months later she passed away two days after Christmas. Two months after that one of my boys was diagnosed with Autism. The following year my dad’s cancer returned after 20 years. The next year my father in-law died due to complications of heart valve surgery. Last year I had two lung surgeries to remove cancerous lymph nodes. It has been extremely challenging to say the least. However, I am learning so much about myself during the process and the changes. Every day I work hard to keep my faith and in knowing that this is God’s plan. My mom wrote a letter to my boys to place in their time capsule at their first birthday party. She wrote, “Always keep God in your life. When ever you need him he will always be there. Just ask.” I am sure you are helping so many who are going through difficult times right now and I have a feeling this is one of the many reasons you have walked this path. Thank you for sharing your story.
I just wanted to say, I’ve had a rough couple years recently as well and can sympathize with how much family health can feel like hit after hit that doesn’t stop coming. That time has definitely been a period of growth and struggle for me. I’m glad to have learned the lessons, but wish there were a less painful way of doing so. It’s a struggle I know everyone who goes through wishes they could prevent others from ever needing to feel. I pray that you will have a respite from the struggle in addition to finding peace in God’s plan.
Thanks for sharing, you are so inspiring! My husband and I are actually walking through a similar time of life. We got married 2 years ago and had all these dreams/plans to move down south (to Texas actually!), me work for myself/from home, buy a house right away etc. We live in the town we’ve always lived in but funny enough we have no community/very few friends here and don’t enjoy living where we do. I work a full-time corporate job and am not able to invest in homemaking like I dream of and feel called to. Like your story, my husband has applied for several, several jobs and every door seems to shut. We are trying to get accustomed to the idea of maybe this is where we are meant to get rooted but it’s just so hard when we have no community here and picture raising a family somewhere else. Thank you for being open and honest, it’s comforting to know other people go through this and come out even better!
Dear Blair,
I’m proud of you! You’re really doing a great job. : ). This post is showing the Blair I know: happy, confident, full of life, and fun to be around with; the one who places a grin on your face after every conversation. I am happy you are happy with your life at the present moment. Looking forward to hearing more great things : ).
Wishing you more of the best!
Your friend,
Negin
Wow!!! Blair, my heart is filled with joy for you!! I watched your Rooted series and could feel the pain you were in and your loneliness and my heart hurt for you. God can work all things for good and watching Him change your heart and turn your pain into something good, is AWESOME!!!! I thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us and honest enough to say that sometimes you struggle with your faith and even get mad at God, and those feelings are OK!! God can take it and He will make something amazing out of it!!! Thank you for such an awesome post!!!
This post makes my heart SO happy, Blair! We go through so many seasons- some delightful, and some just plain HARD! I’ve recently come out of a season of hurt and loneliness too. Nothing has changed except my perspective. I wish my perspective would have changed earlier, but at the same time there’s NO way I could just snap out of it! Also, I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through that season. I am grateful, and I am thankful that we serve a God that doesn’t leave us- even in the lonely times. Also, I love that you refer to the cows mooing! Living in a town of less than 6,000 people in Iowa, we have a corn field just a block away from our house! Rural life at it’s finest! Granted, I’ve never lived in a large city, and I have lived in a town of less than 1,000, so I’m just happy to have a grocery store and get my mail delivered to my house rather than the post office! 🙂 And finally, I LOVE the idea of starting a summer camp and/or a B&B! I have had the same ideas for YEARS! We have some gorgeous old homes in our community that would make incredible B&B’s! Maybe someday! I’m a dreamer too! Thanks for sharing your heart through all of this! I’m rejoicing with you, sweet friend!
This is important stuff! “Bloom where you’re planted” seems simple in theory, but the execution is anything but. Thanks for sharing this journey with readers/viewers. The world needs more authentic, vulnerable, tenacious women like you!
What a fantastic post! Before I graduated college two years ago, I was applying for all sorts of jobs and was adamant that I would move back home to Memphis, TN (the city I love!) and would NEVER live in Mississippi (where I went to college). Low and behold, I could not land a job in Memphis and ended up moving to Jackson, MS. That first year was so terribly difficult. I have friends here, but found it hard to reach out and be intentional about spending time with people. I applied for new jobs recently and found it hard to want to apply outside of Jackson because I have such an incredible group of friends I don’t want to leave just yet. Such a fantastic reminder that God’s plan for me is so much greater than my own. Thank you for the wonderful reminder!
I’ve only just come over to your blog from YouTube & oh my goodness Blair, this post almost made me cry. I want to carry you around in my pocket for a burst of inspiration & straight talking when I need it. This year has turned out to be the worst year of my life, my darling mother passed away in April & I know it’s not the same circumstances but I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life or felt such emotional pain that it physically hurt. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever get over. I’m not a religious person but my mother was & she was a very wise woman, I always turned to her for advice, that has made me think about god where I never really did in the past but in doing so, has made me feel negative towards god rather than feeling positive. I know it’s not the same context as your post but I wanted you to know that I really enjoyed this post & that I know what you mean about the physical pain, which emotional pain can cause.
Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Always wishing you happiness & peace.
Sarah. Xx
Thank you for this post! I came by your vlog due to a friend at work that recommended I watch your YouTube channel. She said we were basically twins, and I have to agree that we have a lot in common, including the very issue you wrote about. I am so happy that you learned to love your life as it is. What advice, would you give someone who is going through this same struggle? On and off, I have these same issues. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve completely accepted my situation and have learned to love it and then something will come and the old feelings of longing, anger, and frustration resurface. My longing and frustration rises because I do not like where I live and I wish I could change it, but moving elsewhere is not an option. Back to my question, what books helped you through your struggle or what advice helped you accept and learn to love your life as it is?