This is not an easy post to write.
All my life, I’ve had three blood grandparents alive–my paternal grandmother and grandfather and my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather died before I was born due to longtime alcoholism and I never knew him. My childhood home is in a valley between two hills; my maternal grandmother, Mom-Mom, lives a couple of miles away on the northern hill and my paternal grandparents, Mimi and Poppy, live a couple of miles away on the southern hill. All my life, I was quite literally nestled comfortably between my loving grandparents.
I grew up knowing my grandparents, eating with them, cooking, and playing, and cleaning with them. We vacationed together, we sang songs together. They were at my piano recitals and graduations and they knew my friends, who all called them by the same names my siblings and I used. I’ve had the privilege of having present grandparents in my life all my life.
But things are changing quickly and slowly and it’s hard and heavy and confusing.
One of my grandmothers is dealing with major physical pain and complications. This woman who raised nine children on her own, who has hosted hundreds of parties, who loves to decorate with lots of color–she’s recently moved into a bland and tiny assisted living-style room at the nursing home because her pain is overwhelming and she needs help around the clock, which her independent spirit loathes.
My other grandmother has a mind that’s deteriorating against her will. This woman who taught students for years, who was a superb homemaker, who has baked dozens and dozens and dozens of cookies–she’s having a hard time remembering, and that makes her sad and emotional and frazzled, and those feelings only make the remembering worse. All of this necessitates moving to a place where she’ll have less responsibility on her plate, but even the thought of cleaning out one room in her house to move is too much for her.
My grandfather is okay mentally and physically (for the most part), but his soul is bruised and frustrated. He’s a stern-but-gentle German man with strong opinions but a quiet disposition. He doesn’t want to leave his house for an old person’s home. He doesn’t want to give up his woodworking shop in the basement, or his little boat that he works on all summer long in the driveway. Though he should probably hand over the responsibility of keeping his yard and garden, he doesn’t want to. Piddling around his house and yard make him feel alive; the thought of moving into a small apartment makes him feel fearful and suffocated. The internal tension between his reality and the fact that his wife needs to move make him grumpy and overwhelmed.
Without fail, every time my mom, dad, or aunt call me, these three people we love are the topics of conversation. These three individuals, my grandparents, who have been the strong and stable matriarchs and patriarch of the family are like stones turning into sand. They need help with most things, which humbles them and all of us. I have wrestled emotionally with this greatly: how do I watch my grandparents, who have shaped my life in a thousand ways, slowly morph into people I hardly recognize? It’s devastating. None of us know how to handle it.
There have been lots of weepy phone conversations through sniffles, lots of what are we supposed to dos? Sure, there are books and services to help with the logistical aspects of aging grandparents (or parents), but the emotional toll is confounding and all-encompassing and there’s no clear path. It’s just loving them, as they are, and moving forward slowly.
Tomorrow, I fly to Siesta Key, Florida, to spend time with my Mimi and Poppy. They have spent a month at the beach each winter for years, but this will likely be the last time. In a moment of realizing life’s too short, which was un-coincidentally the day after Riley’s Granny passed away last month, we pulled money out of savings and bought a plane ticket for me to go on this trip. I know I won’t regret it.
I can’t imagine my world without Mimi and Poppy and Mom-Mom. I am so thankful for everything they are and have been to me. For now, all I can do is cherish, cherish, cherish. So I will.
// Are you walking through this season of life? Have you?
I dread when I reach this day in an obvious way. I too have grown up with my grandparents close by (in fact my entire family minus an uncle and my husband’s entire family are close by) and cherish the wonderful family memories I have.
I am beginning to enter this stage with my paternal grandmother. She has always been frail, but she finally reached the point where she can’t maintain a home by herself. My cousin and her fiance have been living with her for some time but this past year my dad built an in-law suite on the house above the garage for my grandmother to live in. She now lives there with her dogs and I’m beginning to see just how old she has gotten. She had a chair installed on the stairs because they are getting too hard for her to do by herself and she moves a little slower than she used to. I can’t even begin to think about how I will handle the inevitable end of her life. Or my other grandparents for that matter (all 4 are still living, I’m blessed). I totally know how you feel.
Hi Blair. I think you know I grew up next to your dad and Aunt Sharon. We played together and grew up together until we went off to college. We knew each others’ parents very well. I lost my mom to dementia and cancer just 7 mos ago and both your dad and Sharon came to the visitation.(your mom was out of town, or she would have come as well) It was great to see them, even though it was such a sad time . We talked about our time as kids and the happy memories of my mom . Watching my mom dereriorate from dementia was sad and the worst thing I have experienced. . She didn’t know us at all. My dad took excellent care of her and refused outside assistance. We wanted them to go to assisted living, but like your Poppy, he didn’t want to leave their home and felt my mom would be happiest there. It was like this until she was placed in hospice and died 3 days later. My kids are around the age of you and your siblings and it was so hard for them to see Ju-Ju lose her memory and they were with her when she died. I told my kids to remember the good times with my mom. I still will cry out of nowhere, as I don’t think you ever get over it. You are doing the right things. Spend time with your grandparents when you can. Call them when you can’t be with them. Just keep on loving them. This is all so hard on your mom and her sibs and your dad and Sharon,too. Just keep praying and communication open. I will keep all of you in my prayers. I have lived what you are living and it’s hard to be strong. Hang in there.
❤Janice
Oh Blair, I know these feelings all too well. You put them into words so gracefully. I’m so sorry you’re going through this (“sorry” seems like an understatement) but know that you have a circle who understands. Remember them as you’ve always known them — my grandfather had dementia, and though he struggled mentally and physically, he was still the same sweet, godly man I grew up adoring, it just wasn’t as easy for him to express. They love you and God loves you. You’re doing exactly what you need to do. Soak up every minute with them on your trip! Praying for you. ❤
There is nothing like a bond between grandparent and child! I was not fortunate enough to ever have a relationship with either my maternal or paternal grandparents due to multiple circumstances. At 23, this still leaves me with feelings of sadness and emptiness whenever I think about that.
However, I had a very close relationship with my maternal great grandmother until she passed away when I was 14. She was independent in her home until she was 90 years old. After that, she lived with my family, my mom and dad took care of her through the end of her life until she passed away peacefully in my childhood home.
You have such a wonderful opportunity to have this time with your grandparents, I feel so happy for you. Ask for those special stories and write them down or record them, make those signature recipes with your grandmother. We have all of my great grandmother’s handwritten recipe cards and each holiday we pull one out and make one of her recipes in her honor. It would be so special to have some type of cook book of your grandmother’s recipes! Enjoy this time, you so deserve it, I hope your time is relaxing and special.
This post made my cry, Blair. I lost two of my grandparents last year, and I absolutely treasure the time I have left with my maternal grandmother. I’m so glad for you that you’re taking this trip. I hope it’s enjoyable and memorable.
I can so relate to this, Blair. I only have one grandparent left and while she’s in good shape physically at 85, her mind is not so sharp anymore. Just a few years ago she was asking me deep and insightful questions about my work, and while it seems she recognizes me, she does not recognize my dogs that she has met at least 4 times. She does not want to move in with my aunt and give up her home and garden of 50+ years, and understandably so. I really feel for you and am so happy that you are having this trip to spend time with them. While we never know what might happen in life, we do know with certainty that we will have less time with elderly family members than we would like. You hit the nail on the head with “cherish, cherish, cherish.” Thank you for the reminder.
Enjoy your time with your grandparents! I’m so glad you’re able to go!
Blair I’m with you! I am walking this tough season of life with you. I only have my dad’s father (Pop) and my mom’s mother (Nana) left. Pop had a stroke 2years ago and it is a miracle he is doing as well as he his. My sweet Nana is 88 and went from being in perfect health a year and half ago to basically bed bound. My Nana is my heart and I’ve always had a close special bond with her. I can’t image what my life will be like without her, but just two weeks ago it almost became my reality. Oh Blair this season of life has been a roll coaster of emotion, but how blessed are we to have had the grandparent we have had! I’m in prayer for you as we walk this season.
Blair! I’ve followed your blog for awhile now and love it. My biggest piece of advice would be to enjoy and live up every moment you have left. My mom is suffering from early onset dementia (she’s 55, I’m 27), and only has a few months left. At this point I’m grateful for all the memories I have. Save the voicemails and tell them everything you need to right now! Do the same with your parents!! Life is so full of uncertainty. Hug them deeply and cherish all of this! ❤️