This post has been on my heart for so many days and weeks and months. It’s exactly the summation of my struggle for the past almost-two years: I am living The Before.
The Before has ugly shag carpeting, outdated wallpaper, splintered old cabinets, and light fixtures that assault the eyes. The Before is a mess. There are a thousand possibilities, so many avenues to The After, but any path chosen will be riddled with exhaustion and hard, hard work. I am living in this space. I am living The Before.
We see it all the time, The After. We know The After well. We love The After more. It’s crisp paint lines and fresh curtains. It’s gorgeous hardwood floors and beautiful lighting. It’s fresh décor and cozy fabrics. The After is alluring and pulled-together. The After is purposeful and confident, it’s definitive and straightforward. Not a shred of my life seems to live in The After these days.
Of course, I’m not really talking about the four walls of my house. You already know that I mean the four walls of my heart, of my mind, of my spirit. I feel this so deeply and desperately: I am living my Before.
Mostly, I hate it. I pray fervently for even an ounce of my life to reside in that white-walled glorious After. But I hear Him and I know. These days, I’m meant to be here. In The Before. In the tension. In the discomfort.
God has shut a lot of doors during this season of life. My fingers are bruised and bloodied from trying to pry them open, but they remain shut. I am struggling deeply with finding my place in our small town. With finding my people. With finding my purpose. So many days I feel like the shell of a woman, angry at God. Open a door!
But He hasn’t. Largely, my prayers have remained unanswered. But something miraculous has sprouted in my heart: I am learning to embrace my Before.
Why? Because I will one day sit across from another woman in a coffee shop, and she’ll cry and tell me how lonely she is, and I’ll say how I know how she feels. And I’ll mean it. One day a friend will tell me how she feels like God doesn’t hear her, how she’s praying without answers, how she’s exhausted and her faith is dry and weak. And I’ll say how I’ve been there Before too. I’ll tell her that her faith is strong enough to weather this storm, because mine has before.
I will learn gritty lessons that I never wanted to learn in The Before. I will learn about reliance, faith, trust. I will learn that the Christian life was never meant to be an easy one. I will learn empathy and compassion that can only come out of these tender days. I will learn and learn and learn until I’m fit to put a foot in The After, where I will cherish and cherish and cherish.
One day I’ll have close friends close by again. Do you know how I’ll cherish them? How I’ll hug them and tell them how long I’ve prayed to have someone to call? After Blair won’t know this kind of soul-level gratitude without these hard Before days. One day I’ll feel at home where I live again. Do you know how the tears will stream down my freckled cheeks? How I will burst with thankfulness to be in a place where I feel like I belong? How I won’t take a single day for granted?
Future gratitude is being greatly cultivated in this dry, barren season.
In my own life, there are Befores and Afters and Befores and Afters. Nothing is permanent; this is life. Highs and lows, mountains and valleys. One necessitates the other. One informs the other. One teaches the other.
I believe and claim that beautiful, important things will come out of this season of Before. I believe and claim that I will look back on these days and know why they were necessary. I believe and claim that my faith is being refined through this period of time and that my mess will one day become my ministry. I believe in my Before.
// Tell me about your Before. Can you relate?
Related: Rooted Series
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Blair, you write beautifully.
I love honest writers, who writes with an open heart, unashamed.
I am Brazilian, and I follow you here and on Instagram, and I definily can related to the hard, dry seasons in life… Where we contemplate the before and have no gratitude for the after.
I am trying to learn too, how to deal with my heart during this time.
Thank you for your post.
God Bless you!
Diana.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words and for sharing your own. God bless! XO
BEAUTIFUL. He works ALL THINGS for our good..the messy, the lonely, the happy. He uses them all. Love your heart, and the words that come from it!
Amen, sister! Thanks for your encouragement!
So awesome! I was reading this while listening to Amanda Cook’s “You Make Me Brave” and I got chills. I have a “Before” as well; struggled with depression in my early 20s. I am 27 now and thank God to this day for those hard times, because now I am able to appreciate the small, yet profoundly happy days. It didn’t seem like anything would ever be better then, but He got me through it. Have a great week Blair 🙂
Thank you, Brianna. I love “You Make Me Brave” so much. XO
When I was 19 years old someone said to me: you can never have all three: great job, great relationship, great living situation. I was like, well that’s negative. I can have it all! 🙂
But it has proven to be true over the years. I am now 34. I’ve been trading great jobs, great living situations, and being great place in my marriage (or my other relationship before meeting my husband 10 year ago–and this can also apply to friends). One thing always suffers.
Right now, I have a wonderful living situation, my marriage is the strongest its ever been, but I’m struggling with my career. A few years ago, I was happy at my job, marriage was great, I hated my house. A few year before that, loved my apt, great job, my marriage was struggling with the change of pregnancy/newborn. I can go on and on. I’m a very happy person by nature, but looking back at my adult life, I’ve never had all three.
And I’m actually proud of that. I’m at a point in my life where I am in the After. Not because things are perfect, not at all. But with age/time, I’ve come to accept that there are things I can’t make perfect. I’m just simply more content with struggle. More money, more friends, more kids, more (or better) of anything isn’t going to fix it…there will always be struggle in some part of my life. Some will be easier than others, some could take it all away (like something happening to my kids). But I don’t know what is coming, and I’m pretty at peace with it (other than worrying about my kids before I fall asleep every night! but that’s just par for the parenting course). But definitely more at peace than I was 10 years ago.
Okay, I just wrote a book, but I hope this is somewhat comforting. XOXO
One thing to add–I think that reason I’m more at peace is because I’ve become more comfortable with compromise.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. XO
This is beautiful.. You so eloquently put into words what so many of us feel. Thanks for always being so honest and vulnerable! I am in a very similar situation as you, so I know how hard it is. My husband and I will be moving again at the end of the year, so the process will likely begin again. I wanted to share one resource with you has encouraged me so much lately, in addition to my personal Bible study and prayer. I have been listening to recorded talks by Elisabeth Elliot, who is the most influential writer/speaker in my life. Her life story is incredible! I listen to these like I do my podcasts (while I’m cooking/cleaning, etc.) and they have been such a huge blessing to me in a very dark season! Here is the link if you are interested!
https://www.blueletterbible.org/audio_video/elliot_elisabeth/misc/Elisabeth_Elliot_Speaks_About.cfm
Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comment. I too love Elisabeth Elliot–her story is so incredible and encouraging. I’ll have to check out some of her recorded talks. Thanks for sharing! 🙂 Hugs to you.
I love this, Blair! I love that we can stay constant and true to God’s word, even though life might be scarce or scary. Life is a rollercoaster and there are always ups and downs. I’m confident that you’ll find your place soon! I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Sweetly, Sally // http://www.sweetlysally.com
Thank you, Sally. I appreciate you! 🙂
Oh I am LIVING in my Before – Before the first job I’ll love and use all of my heart to serve Him with my time as a gift and my hands’ work; Before finding a place to [rent] call my own and be able to invite people in to share in a space of grace and community and safety; Before I ever know whether my heart was meant to fully and only serve Him for the rest of my life or if there will ever be a time in which I share a space with a man meant to sharpen and help shape me, someone to serve alongside, shoulder-to-shoulder with me in His Kingdom, to His glory, not my own.
How did you find your faith, your embracing of, your surrender to The Before?
Sincerely,
Desperately Seeking
Glad to hear I’m not alone. My embracing and surrender to The Before is a daily battle. It wasn’t a one-time decision, but a daily choice to believe that I’m learning and growing in this season. Emotional moments make that belief feel weak, but at the end of the day, I truly know what I have always known: God has a plan for my life and works all things together for my good. Daily surrender. He is here, in these thin moments. I believe it!
This spoke to my heart and made the tears fall! I’m living my Before and my heart longs for the After. You set an amazing example at cherishing the moments of the Before and choosing joy in the dark and difficult times. Your blog is a blessing to many. Thank you for this post!
– Anna
Thank you for reading and for your kind comment. Xo
Hi Blair,
Have you given any reconsideration to getting a full or part time job outside of the house?
My husband and I often talk about how the need to spend time with friends has lessened over the past two years because we both get so much interaction at work. By nature we are both sociable connectors, and people who we work with (not just our direct teams, but those who share the same building) come to us often to chat, go to lunch, or talk about their personal lives, etc.
The point I’m trying to make is that our lives are dominated by 40 hours a week of social interaction because of our jobs, so when the weekends roll around we are thrilled not to have plans to see anyone but each other, because we are so connected to others during the week. Friends still remain important, but they don’t make or break the feeling that we belong to something bigger than ourselves.
You are very young in your life and career to be working at home full time, isolate – I wonder if Riley feels the same disconnection as you do, or if he feels more grounded because he has people to talk to, see, and laugh with during the day.
I answered this in a recent YouTube Q&A. I am certainly very open minded to a more traditional job, but the reality is that there are few opportunities here that suit my skill set. (I’ve looked and continue to keep my eyes and ears open.) I would likely work at a shop or boutique and would work alone during shifts, which would clearly solve very little.
On the other hand, Riley isn’t experiencing the same loneliness because this is his hometown. He has just 2 coworkers who work in separate parts of the shop, but he sees childhood friends, family, and people he knows everywhere we go. That level of familiarity can’t be manufactured for me, unfortunately.
Anyway, I appreciate your concern. Know that I am open minded and on the lookout for opportunities of all kinds (jobs, volunteer positions, groups/meet ups, etc.), but as this post suggests, I seem to be hitting brick wall after brick wall. Still, I have faith and trust that this won’t last forever.
I am definitely living now in The Before & at 44 I know that there will be The After. Life is hills & valleys and who we are as a person is defined by the way we go through our Before. I have been through many Befores & have come out stronger in my Afters each time, you will too. We ALL will! Right now, my Before consists of finding out who I am without my twins at home. For 19 years I was Mom first with all the wonderful craziness that was involved & now I am struggling since my 2 are at school & all that has gone away. I pray every day for guidance & I know God will lead me (eventually) down the path that He has meant for me.
Who we are as a person is most certainly defined by our Befores (and how we handle them). Thank you for that precious reminder. Though it often stings, I am beginning to look for ways to be refined by this fire rather than only looking for ways out of it. There are hard, important lessons to be learned through the mess. Prayers for you in this difficult season as well. Thank you for your comment xo
I love this, thanks for sharing Blair. It’s so important but also so difficult to remember that God always has a plan, no matter what it might feel like in the Before. Thank you for continuing to be an encourager and letting God work through you!
Thanks for reading, Crystal! xo
I am SO living in my Before right there with you! It’s very hard and I am struggling as well. The hardest thing for me is struggling with my faith right now. I have always been very confident in my faith in previous years, but this year is different. I’m struggling with bigger problems that have bigger consequences and it’s really challenging my faith. It’s very hard to be in that position. I’m right there with you girl. We can struggle in the trenches together.
Also, I’m very much looking forward to seeing your post about how you and Riley have used family planning/birth control. I’ve been anxiously awaiting it ever since you listed it in things you will write about this year.
Strength and trust and faith to you, sister. I know how you feel.
On the birth control post–you and me both, girl! This is probably the most difficult post I’ve ever written. I’m working on it, slowly. I will publish it before the end of the year! (If you want to talk to me about it in the meantime, you can email me!) 🙂
I’m in The Before right now as well. It’s been a rough past 3 years and right now is the bottom of the barrel. I tell myself it’s only up from here. One day we will be in The After and it will taste all the sweeter.
xo
My maternal grandmother always tells us “when it’s this bad, things can only go up.” Strangely comforting, right? “One day we will be in The After and it will taste all the sweeter.” Amen, sister. Thanks for reading and commenting, Courtney!
I definitely know things will improve for you! You always have a positive attitude, and you love to help people.
You also are a very comforting person! I think all the right people will love you!! I also think doors are about to open for you… I definitely feel your pain… bottom line: everything’s going to be fine, my friend 😉
Thank you so much, Negin! 🙂
Oh, Blair. There are days I feel we are walking similar paths. THANK YOU for these words! They have brought so much comfort to me. I feel hope. Thank you!!
Hope is the answer. Thanks for your comment, Laura. xo
Oh I most definitely with you being in the Before. I have been feeling the same, and am looking at more transition as my husband and I look at moving to a new town for grad school. But I know that if the Lord leads us to move for school, then He will be faithful to provide what we need. He will be with us every step of the way, the difficult steps and the easy steps. As He is for you 🙂
Thank you for sharing your heart in this current season.
Thank you for this one, Blair! Right there with you and so comforting to know I’m not alone.
xoxo,
Brittany
Sending you a virtual hug!
I am very happy I found your blog today. I had read it before about 2 years ago and lost track. However after reading it today, I know it was meant to be. Thank you for sharing your journey and giving me hope to pursue my After! God bless you.
Hey Adriana! I’m so glad we reconnected! Thanks for your lovely comment. XO
Hi Blair, your posts are beautifully written and your vulnerability is truly a gift for all of your readers. As you have probably already gathered, your are not alone! I am going through something extremely similar and have recently seen huge breakthroughs. Just when I thought my situation was hopeless, and my only solution was to move (I too avoided visiting my old city out of pure sadness) and jeopardize my marriage, God answered my prayers and my life changed. It will happen to you! And when it does, you will be even more appreciative of it. Continue to seek God and you will find peace. Your virtual presence is so lovely; I’m sure your real life presence is even more wonderful! Dont forget to let your light shine, even on your darkest days. Your blog is an amazing ministry and the joy you spread around town in person will only amplifily that. I know you are looking for opportunities and I want to encourage you not to give up! Maybe the door you are only trying to lightly open is really the one that would change your perspective the most. Even though a job might not be suited exactly for your skill set, it might give you much more than a line on your resume. More importantly, you might have the opportunity to give to someone/something else, much more than it gave to you.
God bless you and thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement and hope!
Oh how perfectly this fits into my life right now.
Feeling so lonely and exhausted challenges my faith in so many ways, and I know I will be grateful for The Before in time. I know what I want my life to look like, the joy that will overflow in The After and the tears and triumphs that will bring me there. Still, I am impatient. I am beyond thankful to be in a serious and committed relationship with an amazing man, but there is such a hole in my life where a close friend belongs. I’m in the transition between so close to being married, but not there yet. I am not seeking the path that most 22 year olds chase after. When I think I see how God is using this season of my life, the enemy hits me with the sting of loneliness. I am trying to find my rhythm in the before so I can rejoice in The After.
We may be in different stops, but I am on this journey with you!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It makes those lonely moments when I quite frankly feel ridiculous, feel a little less bleak.