When can we catch up?
Let’s catch up soon!
I really want to catch up!
We’ve gotta catch up!
Are you available this week to catch up?
This is my life. I say these things almost every day. My dearest friends are scattered across the world, the closest about an hour away, and some on different continents altogether. And, of course, we’re all living lives independent of one another now–some of us are climbing corporate ladders, some are married, some are moms or moms-to-be, some travel each week for work, some are buying houses, some are adopting dogs, some are building businesses. I’m living my day-to-day life and each of them is living theirs.
It’s not childhood or college anymore, when we had layers and layers of overlap. When we had the same teachers and professors, were in the same clubs and organizations, knew the same people, worked in the same places, lived in the same neighborhoods, went to the same schools. Now every variable of life is different one of us to the next.
But sometimes I don’t want to catch up. I want to do life together, not just bring each other up to speed on our separate, independent lives.
What I would give to reach my arms across the map and scoop up all my people. How many cups of tea I’d love to brew, glasses of wine I’d love to pour, how many air mattresses I’d inflate all over my house to have my people in one place. I’d love to cook and cook and cook for them all, hug their necks, and laugh together in the same room. There is no substitute for breathing the same air, eating the same food, sitting around the same table.
I love to hear my friends’ voices on the other end of the phone line–I cherish listening to the way they tell stories, their laughs, the one-of-a-kind voice inflections they each have. But a phone call, “catching up” as we say, feels like such a cheap substitute when I know the warmth and depth of an in-person conversation with these beloved friends.
We’ve lived in this new place for about a year and a half, and it’s been a slow, slow process finding my footing in the community here. People here, of course, are intertwined in their own circles, and most everyone I’ve met either grew up here or has lived here for years, with family in town, and existing friends, too. People have been warm and kind and accepting, but they’re spinning their own plates and managing their own relationships and lives. Building new friendships takes effort and time over time; it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not easy. I often feel like I’m the only one looking for friends–like everyone else here has their circles, and I’m awkwardly trying to permeate them.
I know it’s a process, and it takes time, and patience is a virtue and all that–but those truths don’t negate how I feel now.
I’m making more of a concerted effort to see my long-distance friends in person in 2017. To book the flights, spend the money, make the plans, and see each other. To make precious, now rare, memories together face-to-face. This season of life has been incredibly challenging, but if there’s one thing I’m thankful for, it’s that I have come to cherish, cherish, cherish the friendships I have. I am so blessed by my people, far and wide as they may be. They have all but held me together in the past 18 months and have loved, encouraged, and uplifted me even when I’ve been a level 10 Debbie Downer.
I’m tired of playing catch up; I’d rather be running together. But that’s not the reality, no matter how much my heart aches for it. And that’s a weird, sobering, hard place to be. So I’ll keep on saying those five phrases that began this post, keep on “catching up,” keep pushing into the community here, keep cherishing the friends I have, even if I only get their voices for now. All I can do is cherish and pray.
If you’re in a similar place, if you’re tired of “catching up,” if you yearn to be together with your people, I get it. I really, really get it.
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Oh amen friend! This truly has been the hardest part of moving 1,000 miles away from “home”. I miss my people – the ones who know my favorite dessert, who know my life story, who know what makes my heart anxious and tired. And it’s been so hard and lonely and tiring, oh so tiring, trying to figure out how to make friends in a brand new city. I guess all we can do is keep showing up, every day, pushing through the awkward introductory conversations and coffee dates, praying that God will bring the right people into our lives.
“…the ones who know my favorite dessert, who know my life story, who know what makes my heart anxious and tired.” Yes, yes, yes. I always tell Riley the hardest part of being here is not feeling “known.” It’s such a relief to be in the company of people who truly know me–the big things and the little things. Likewise, it’s life-giving to be in the company of people whom I truly know. Praying constantly for the right people in my life–and yours, too.
I am SO with you on this. My two best friends live far away – one in Chicago and one in Charlottesville, VA while I’m in North Carolina. It’s so hard having to rely on too few phone calls and texts/Snapchats about our lives. I feel SO sad some days knowing I can’t just plop down on the couch and have a real, in person conversation.
I get it a thousand times over. I took for granted the years of being close to my dear friends; I often think that this season is teaching me to cherish and recognize that friendship is worth its weight in gold. I’ll never take the easy comfort of close friends for granted again. I hope you find your place and your people in North Carolina while I find mine here. Thanks for your comment, Leslie.
Blair, I have been following you for a while now and so so often you speak exactly what I am feeling when it comes to being in a new place. I also recently moved close to my husband’s family after recently getting married and building community is tough! I’m in Michigan, my family is in Maryland and friends also all over the country. We also are in the midst of buying our first house- seriously, I seem to be a few months behind you in these big life transitions. Trusting in the Lord’s providence sounds great and definitely what I am striving for but that doesn’t always happen on the rocky days. Thank you for your encouragement and vulnerability! It is such a comfort to know other people are doing this same thing- seeking after God’s will for our lives, even when it feels lonely and difficult.
Hi Erin! Thank you for your ever-encouraging words. It sounds like we’re walking a similar journey–and it’s a challenging one, isn’t it? I’m sure you get all the band-aid fixes too, like “You just have to make the best of it!” or “You’ll find your place in time!” or “Why don’t you do/attend X? That will change everything!” It’s exhausting to go with unvalidated feelings because well meaning people think they know the remedy. I always tell my husband that I wish they’d just point me to God! Ultimately, He’s what I need, He’s who’ll provide, He’s who’ll fill these empty places. Thank you for being one of the first affirm this in me–we’ll struggle, pray, and conquer together.
Making friends when you’re an adult is HARD!!!! Especially if you’re out of the workplace. Making “couple” friends seems even harder!!! Everyone said it would be easier once you have kids. And they are kinda right. But it’s also harder in a way to have a deep, meaningful conversation while yelling “NO” every 5 seconds. Honestly, church isn’t necessarily the “answer”. So many cliques!!! I have found my crew. I’m still praying hubby finds his. And for you too.
I completely agree. Making adult friends is hard enough and finding couple friends is even harder. I have many great online friends through my blog/mentorship program, but they live all over the world. Finding people you “click” with in the same town sometimes feels like finding a needle in a haystack! I’m holding out hope to find my crew, too. I am sincerely happy for you to have found yours. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
I feel the same way, even though I moved home for the summer! Even as I stayed well into the fall, I felt lonely. Friends were busy with the lives they built while I was at school, and it was really hard. Now, I’m relocating to a new city where a great friend and other acquaintances live, and I’m super nervous. It seems crazy, and I agree: doing life makes all the difference.
I won’t offer words of advice, but I feel for you. I’m praying for you.
Thank you, Emily. I hope you find amazing friends in your new city…what an exciting adventure! Thank you for reading!
Hey Blair! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now – and I know how you feel in this post! Living a distance from family/friends makes living life together difficult – I find it’s a real discipline to keep in contact and actually have meaningful “catch ups”.
I mentioned this post on my blog this week – thank you for taking the time to ponder and write it.
Hi Emily! Thank you for following along and for linking to this post on your site. I really appreciate it! 🙂 It really is a discipline to stay in touch with out-of-town friends; I’m naturally really bad at it, and have worked to be better about “catching up” and remaining close. But man, is it hard! A big hug to you!
Blair I SO get it, this post resonated with me a lot. I moved 1000 miles away from Indiana (where I grew up) to Denver a year and a half ago. And I’ve moved two more times within Colorado since then! I’m now in Fort Collins, an hour north of Denver. Even though it’s been amazing in so many ways, I often ache for my people. And once I finally felt more settled and connected in Denver, I moved away again for work. I feel like I’m starting all over again over the last couple months. I miss the people who I don’t have to explain myself to and who don’t need background info. And because of the amount of work it takes, half the time I’d rather just sit at home than go out and make a new friend, which is totally defeating sometimes! Thank you for thinking through and posting this.
Much love
Laura
Hey Laura! Thanks for reading + commenting. It sounds like we’ve walked a similar journey! A blessed, broken road, isn’t it? I can absolutely relate to wanting to be around people who don’t need back stories and not always wanting to put forth the effort to meet new people. I often feel like I’m being misunderstood because I’m around new people who don’t know me, my story, or my sense of humor. It can be so tiring! Here’s hoping that both of us push through the discomfort/exhaustion/awkwardness and find our people!
I’m so glad you took the time to write this article, it’s music to my ears. Finding it so difficult to want to put in the effort to ‘catch up’ with new friends in my new town. I’m so bad, I would rather just stay at home and be in my own space then put effort into ‘catching up’ and having ‘polite’ conversation. These people are lovely, I just don’t feel like they’re my ‘people’. I miss my ‘people’, my friends from home where I can be 100% myself. I miss the authenticity of my real friends.