If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that friendship is a precious gift. I don’t collect friends; I maintain just a few close, intimate friendships. I prefer quality and depth to quantity with regards to my close friends. I always have.
So much is important in a real friendship: authenticity, humor, vulnerability, kindness, generosity, love, fun, trust, grace. But honesty? Honesty is arguably the most important.
Deception and white lies and half-truths have no place in pure friendships. These things will eat away at the very core of closeness and leave your relationships feeling like shells–lacking substance of any kind. Resentment and anger and hurt grows and they overtake the good, and suddenly, a once-friendship no longer exists.
I hold honesty in my close friendships very, very highly. I can name only a few people, less than the number of fingers on one hand, with whom I have an entirely honest friendship. These people are present for me and I for them. We’re patient with each other. We speak truth into each other’s lives. We hold one another to God’s set of standards, not the world’s, though there is a wide, alluring abyss between the two. We can open up about our families and relationships and lives and be truthful about what’s hard and hurting, what’s good and lovely.
We can speak the truth even when it’s not what the other one wants to hear. Because there’s always, always, always someone who will tell you what you want to hear, but all the more cherished are those who speak honest truth without fear of offense or hurt feelings. In a world of fake, we need real.
Friendships full of telling each other the easiest thing aren’t friendships at all; they’re only facades that will crumble in a matter of time. Speaking truth in love is hard, but it’s worth it. Because when you get there, you know your friend isn’t gossiping behind your back, isn’t talking about you to others, isn’t judging you and throwing you under the bus.
You know when honest truth is spoken that your friendship is the same in private and public, when you’re together or apart. And this security gives way to honesty and vulnerability and authenticity and paves the way for a friendship that’s real and long withstanding.
The next time a close friend speaks stinging truth to you, speaks words you’d rather not hear, take the time to pull down your defenses and contemplate her words. Thank her later. For this is the friendship that will last; this is the friend who truly loves you. Why? Because your friend cares more about you walking in light and righteousness than pacifying you with fluffy words and dishonesty.
May we be honest women, speak honest words, and receive honest truth with grace.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. -Proverbs 18:24, ESV
// How does honesty impact your friendships?
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Hi Blair,
Thank you for this thoughtful post. Honesty is so important and I was wondering how you would reconcile what you said here with the common marriage advice not to say bad things about your spouse to others? For example, how would you seek the honest counsel of your friends when you need advice on how to sort through a disagreement or issue in your marriage stemming from what you view as your husband being in the wrong? Or do you simply not seek marriage advice from friends? If you do, do you tell your husband that you are discussing your private problems with a friend or family member?
Thanks for the insight!
Hi Jennifer,
Only a year into marriage, I am still fumbling through this very thing. It’s not always perfect or pretty, but I have made it a point not to bad-mouth or speak negatively of my husband to friends. Instead, I try to pray about the situation (doesn’t always happen, just being real), and then will usually ask Riley if it’s okay if I talk to X about it. (There are only 2 girls who I open up to my marriage about, both are huge supporters of marriage and will always encourage reconciliation and forgiveness, never “You’re too good for that, girl! Leave him!” or something similar.)
I don’t have any perfect advice, but I try to vent to God first, speak with Riley second, and if there’s still an issue and I feel like I need to bounce my thoughts off a friend, I’ll then speak to just one or two friends who respect my marriage and our privacy and wouldn’t talk about the intricacies of our marriage inappropriately to anyone else.
One thing with regards to honesty, though: I do always tell Riley who knows what. He knows when I’ve spoken to a friend about an issue in our marriage or a frustration we’re working through. I never want him to feel like I’m talking behind his back, but he knows that we both need to get an outside perspective from time to time.
Are you married? How have you handled this? (We’re still learning!)
I am married and we are still figuring it out too! Thanks again for sharing.
Wow, that was a great read! Always being honest with my friends didn’t come natural to me. My little white lies would come from a place of ‘I want these people to like me so I better tell them what they want to hear’ or ‘I don’t want to hurt her feelings’. I am constantly working at becoming a more honest friend and I hope by doing this my friends will feel comfortable being honest with me.
Love the blog Blair!