My husband and I have been married for almost seven months and I’ve experienced more emotional whiplash in that period of time than ever before in my life. Moving away from a tight-knit community is hard. Being married can be challenging. Until two weeks ago, we hadn’t been able to find a home, though we were looking at houses every week for almost a year and a half. It’s been immensely difficult to find a church (the one we fell in love with is 45 minutes away from our current home and will be an hour and 15 minutes away once we move), so we’ve struggled with plugging into a community there…and now, we’ll have to start looking for a new church because a two and a half hour round-trip drive to church is too much. Blah, blah, blah. The bottom line? Life’s been tough and I’ve let myself feel sad.
And I think that’s important, feeling my feelings and being okay with sitting in those feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable or easier to stuff and repress. But I’ve been the world’s best stuffer in the past and that landed me in months of intensive therapy, so yeah, I’ve learned that I have to allow myself to feel the sting of sadness when it arises in my life.
So, I’ve felt it all. Like God’s not listening, and that has made me frustrated. (Knowing that He is always listening, and is asking me to wait, is usually even more frustrating.) I’ve felt disappointed that things haven’t fallen into place more easily. I’ve mourned my life in Austin deeply, desperately, painfully. I’ve wanted this or that to be different, I’ve been angered and annoyed when other people remind me cheerfully to “change my attitude” or “stay positive” because it’s not always that simple.
There have been so many beautiful moments in this marriage of mine, even through all the unknowns and all the mess. I have borrowed my husband’s faith and leaned on him heavily as I’ve navigated these unknown waters. His voice has been the Jesus-voice in my life, the one that constantly, constantly, constantly reminds me, you are loved, you are where you’re supposed to be, you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, our God hears our prayers, we’re building this life together, and it will be wonderful, but it won’t always be easy.
And I’ve borrowed Riley’s faith because there have been days when mine is trembling and everyone needs someone to lean on, someone whose faith is big enough for the both of you, a person to hold your prayers up when you’re tired and worn. My husband has been a true example of Christ’s stability and strength. But life comes in seasons and this one is over. It’s over. The clouds need to be gone and the sun needs to shine again. Enough is enough. It’s time to turn the page.
Not because I want to repress or ignore or stuff. Not that, because I’ve felt those hard feelings and I’ve cried on my shower floor and I’ve allowed myself to experience the sadness and the frustration. But simply because of this: I’m ready to move on and feel fully alive again. I’m ready to choose joy. No more wallowing or self pity–all that was wrapped up in the last season, and it’s a new day.
The weather is already getting warmer here, and with Spring on the horizon I’m so ready to move on and decide to be happy. I’m ready to open up the windows in my car, house, and soul so that fresh air can blow out this old dust and reveal a new beginning. I’m ready to live in the sunshine and be open to possibility. I’m ready to look at the big Texas sky and feel the wind wrap me up, feel my Jesus hold me, feel the promise of my future. I’m ready to stand in the light, in the truth, on my own two feet.
It’s time. Enough is enough.
Thank you, truly, for those of you who have been so abundantly loving and supportive. For your empathetic messages, for your “I know how you’re feeling” emails, for your joy-sparking comments. There were days when your kindness carried me straight through. I know my words are just pixels on your screen, but from the real beating heart behind those pixels, thank you to the people who have lifted me up.
To my sisters in a hard season, are you ready to move on? Even if your circumstances aren’t going to change, are you ready to change? Is it time to turn the page? If you need more time, take it. Be gentle with yourself as God is ever-gentle with you. But if you can feel it–if you feel that stirring, that voice that’s whispering it’s time to choose joy, let’s do it together. We can hold each other accountable. Life will throw us curveballs and we’ll still crumble sometimes, but let’s count our blessings and let our almighty God take care of the rest, okay?
Because at some point, we all have to draw a line in the sand. And at that time, we have to stand up and say enough. I’m claiming that today. Enough is enough.